The Gifts that Keep on Giving

Lovely Dr J. who took Lefty to 'live on a farm', told me some more tit bits on Friday which put me in a bad mood for Saturday. She says pathology is the "gift that keeps on giving".

I can think of some much nicer gifts. 

They give you lots of reading material when you have the big 'C'. It is like Cancer 101 in one of those condensed courses.

They even have booklets on gift advice for your friends and family. Mine must have read all the literature before me because they ticked all the boxes.

Their suggestions included-

Flowers from your garden:
There were copious, luscious flowers both at the hospital and still arriving here including all my favourites. The tulips only lasted a day or two but were worth every minute!

Some came from as far afield as New Zealand without so much as a wilted zinnia!

Hugs: 

I have received wonderful gentle hugs from all and sundry, even my dentist and the childcare ladies, the wonderful women who keep bringing food and my sweet friends, family and over zealous children.

Hand, foot or whole body massage:

Thoughtful friends have bestowed me with a couple of great foot and shoulder massages and reapplication of rainbow toes. The gifted eye pillow provides a lovely eyeball massage for the new bags that are developing. That must be a side effect!

A treasure box for cards and letters:

 I can't decide what to title it...'C' is also for cookie .....2012......the 'C' files...? Any suggestions welcome!

A journal:

The Cancer Council gives you lots of journals to write in but I have you lot and my old 2012 diary. Friends have been more inclined to give me canvases and sketchbooks. I like that a lot.

A painting from a child:

There has been art work from several children, a lovely Ellen Giggenbach print, 

carvings from Samoa, op shop goodies from my brother and a wood block painting from the lovely Lairy godmother's collection.  Look! It's a hospital vinaigrette!! The jewellery has been most inspiring too. As well as the ceramic dove.....

there was rainbow jewellery for all the sisters distributed by one and a lovely resin bangle from another.

A sweet treat;

These came in the form of liquorice, lollies, cookies, cakes, special tea, 

sorbet, cheeses, wines and loaves. All pretty sweet to me!

                                                      

Novels or magazines:

Reading material included of lots of lovely house mags, art mags, small tomes on philosophy and journeys and this Dawn French book which I have yet to finish but am enjoying in small instalments.

Anything that will make her laugh:

This gorgeous bit of frippery came direct from the Samoan bra factory to my hospital room. There should be one in every care pack at the cancer unit. It hung in glorious cheek on the wall of my room to amuse me constantly.

If you have one, offer your holiday house for a break: 

If you ignore it, it will come..

Meanwhile here's a gift back at you. Anyone that knows MMMC, knows her friend, actor, raconteur and day time talk show host, Horsey. Is it possible he was a male model in the early years before he had his ears done? Horsey, tell me the name of your surgeon! 

Art Therapy

There were a couple of things that stood out in those surreal days in the hospital. They were little highlights that broke up the monotony in the fog of endone and shock and scans. The hospital I was in had some very good karma for me as I had my five babies there. I figure that still leaves me in good karma credit even after this last bit of unpleasantness. Most of the aesthetic choices in this hospital are good ones although I question their carpet choice. It's great for disguising dirt but needs to be when it has a riotously adverse effect on nausea.

There was one special afternoon when the Big Fella bought the fantastic five up to visit and I decided I wanted to emerge from my cocoon and hit the cafe with them. So I dressed up in some dandy pressure stockings and stepped out to take some air.

One of the boys got me a latte (as incongruous as him putting out washing), the girls showed me some good twirling.....
and my last glimpse of them was pulling some ninja moves down the wheelchair ramp (less incongruous). Once they left I was all dressed up with no place to go so I thought I might explore a bit.

Of course I went straight to maternity where I ran into some old friends on the wall. This Vermeer print welcomes you in as you enter from admissions. I always loved how he seems to place so many of his women subjects by this window. His wife, Catherina, had lots of children so I'm assuming this was her. There is a lovely version of his painting wiles in the book, "Girl with a Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier. Anyway I always felt like she was saying "Hello. Here we go again!" as I walked down to deliver each of the chillun.

This one a little further on was of a couple doing couply things in a series of large lino cuts. Only in retrospect do you realise it is a cautionary tale saying "You won't be doing this again in a hurry ".

I liked these little Howard Arkley-ish suburbia paintings. They were on small, chunky, square canvases- my favourite.
On the way to and from the tedious body scans there may have been some lip biting and tear blinking which these little lovelies distracted from.

This was a huge canvas painting of some one's hoarder-esque back yard. The detail and degree of clutter was mesmerising, perhaps because my own brain was fairly jumbled at the time. I loved the old swings hanging in the foreground. The banality of a back yard is just perfect to stare at when normal has no yardstick any more.

I'm not sure about this. I passed it the first time after that awful diagnosis the night before we went in. I don't remember that walk. The Big Fella just steered me with firm gentle hands. Then I passed it again after we saw the honkologist for the first time. I think it's about patience and moving on. That's how it worked for me and it has some lovely painterly qualities too.
This is my bestie though. There may well have been talk of angels when I dodged that secondaries bullet. I was thinking about them hard as I lay having the bone scan in particular. This one was there for the babies too and I liked it but didn't feel as strongly about it as I did this time. It is now my screen saver. I carry it with me and look at it every time I turn on the phone. It reminds me angels come in many guises and are handy to have around. I'm keeping more of an eye out for them now.

'Allo, Sunshine

The very elegant and organised Bron from Baby Space has passed on this Sunshine Award to me. Being still quite new to Blogdom I am unsure about bloggy etiquette so I will answer the same questions she did. We could do with a little more sunshine around here! I've included a few links to older posts in case you're new so you can see who was here before the big 'C' turned up.

Favourite Colours:

I love them all but have a core set of the ol' red, turquoise and yellow. They just feel cheerful!
Favourite animals:

I am strangely irritated and enchanted by our chooks although I have not been spending as much time with them as I once did. If they could just wear little frilly poo pants and self launder they would be the best critters ever. They are entertaining, greedy, rude, a bit simple, ungainly and endearing and they pay their way with lots of eggs. I also love the seals who pop their heads up and look at you as you pass in Scotland and aardvarks because I love the word, 'aardvark', and how they look like a Lewis Carole invented species.
Favourite Non-alcoholic Drink:

Bickford's Ginger Beer Cordial. On a really stinking hot Brisbania day when water just isn't cutting it, this is a champion thirst quencher plus the kids don't like it so there is always some left for me. Of course there is always tea. Love it, couldn't bear to live without it. Tea was the first thing I asked for after the surgery and my babies' births and every other occasion as well. English Breakfast, white and half a sugar. Thank you. Now you'll be ready.
Facebook or Twitter:

Haven't got time for either. I occasionally flick a look at Facebook but it doesn't engage me like a good blog. Twitter is a thing I look at to see where my son's cricket matches are on. Enough!

Favourite number:

I have always loved '7' and really didn't intend to be in a family of seven. I just find even numbers a bit too tidy. Prime numbers have a little more anarchy about them. They will not be divided up and that is it! I also like how seven is tall and proud. Chest out, shoulders back, it's a brave and perky number.

Day of the week:

Wednesday has always been my favourite. It has the least commitments to sport and school. I have recovered from the week end and don't need to get ready for the next one yet. It is the hump, the breather, the island of quiet in the week although that may change now with chemo being booked for Tuesdays. That's why I chose Tuesdays though so I could be sick and quietly at home alone on Happy Hump Wednesday.

My Passions:

My family (immediate and extended), making things, late afternoon light on my kids on the beach, newborns (save me!), taking photos, early dawn light on my kids on the beach, blogging, teaching art to kids who are passionate about making it, op shop treasure hunting, GOMA loitering, looking at the sea from the beach any time of day, baking on rainy days,
the colour of the sky in this part of the world.
Getting or Giving presents:

I will say I love to give presents because you are supposed to. It's especially nice giving a gift when you know it is something they have waited for and wanted and I've made it myself. I made a few paintings for my godson and Lala's best friends one year and Lala was hinting and commenting about how she didn't have one. I painted one based on a picture she had seen and liked. That gift felt good. Having said that, I love receiving gifts when they just nail you and make you realise how well the giver knows you. I have received some beauties in the last weeks. I'll do a post on them because they deserve a whole dedicated bunch of their very own words.

Favourite Pattern:

I love that big flowery Marimekko print that looks like it was drawn with fat blue nikko. It is called Siirlolapuutarha Blue. No I can't even say it. I looked it up to see what it was called. I also like Warwick's Darjeeling in Spring and wish I had covered my gossip chair with it when I was last pregnant. I was going through a Betty Beige phase related, I'm sure, to being hormonally rendered a non-risk taker. Usually I just end up with red spotty patterns on everything though. It may be from living in the farmhouse but it is very cheerful- like the sunflowers.
Which brings me nicely to...

My Favourite Flowers: At the moment they are sunflowers. My beautiful sister Kath turned up with these amazing double sunflowers the day after my surgery and they lasted the full nine days I was in. They are stunners and I am going to try and propagate the seeds. There have also been the delightful red gerberas, red cyclamen, lilac tulips, roses, strylitzias, it's been a riot of colour and love. Never have I had so much pleasure from flowers as in the last weeks.
That all seemed a tad narcissistic and boring but if you got this far I'll pass this Sunshine torch onto two women who have sent a lot of sunshine my way of late. They are two of my chilluns godmother's and old dear friends. One is Julie from Boulevade of Bumps who is a newby blogger/ adventurer, living a sea change in Samoa with her young family. The other is my blog guru, Anna, from Shiny Happy Art, the curator of the rainbow toenail collection and artist and domestic goddess extraordinaire. They live in happy places and will make you feel good when you visit.

See you there.

Head Room

I want this on a T-shirt.... one with flattering gathers over the breastage area. My kids are hugging me a lot and I love it but they need a warning sign sometimes! All my other friends and family are giving me the gentlest hugs like I'm all precious and it's kind of nice!I'm not the only one who's fragile. There have been other casualties. There should be more nanna naps for everyone! I decree it!
At such times the troops have rallied and truly miraculous scenes have unfolded. The Big Fella observed a similarity between the 13 year olds and boa constrictors. I enquired if it was because they were cuddly and he answered that it was more about how they spend their whole day sleeping and eating. He says they appear, dishevelled and yawning to stare blankly into the fridge, until he throws some chicken legs toward them. Then they retreat back down to Boysworld to doze and digest further. This one looks quite repulsed by the tactile quality of wet washing but he warmed up....
and they got a system going. I RAN for the camera to record this most rare event. It's like that flower that blooms in the Amazon for five minutes every fifty years! They emerged, they hung laundry, they retreated.
Yesterday the Big Fella and I enjoyed a 'date' to the very well lit HOCA unit which is not as much fun as the hooka unit we attended together in Marrakesh. We got all the drum on chemo and hair falling out and took a stroll through the chemo 'boutique'. It was a bit like a hairdresser's (ironically) with people chatting and drinking tea. I can do that. He prefers going to Southbank I think.
Afterward we had a post- date tea at the Kim Walters Unit where I was introduced to the wig room. I seem to have ended up with a pixie crop of blonder dimensions than I might usually sport. I don't want to buy a wig for just 18 weeks so this one will do. I feel I may be more of a hat person. The generous and lovely wig librarian let me take some hats to try for bald, wintry months.
This little crochet number might be copy-able into rainbow stripes or some black and white or red and white- Dr Seuss meets Olivia!
Lala looks fabulous as a head model without red eyes and black circles. Yes I need more nanna naps too. She says I can wear any of these and she's okay with it...
but, under no circumstances am I to turn up at school pick up in the jester hat!

Home

Yesterday I came home! It had been ten sleeps since I left the house intact (me and the house) and a few things have changed. The Big Fella likes to tidy and move things around when he feels the need. He has felt it quite a bit over the last week. So I came home to find this lovely new area out the front under his almost finished deck. We had a delicious baked lamb there for Easter lunch to welcome home the prodigal Mum! Of course when I feel better there will be tweeking and there will be paint!I have slept a lot and pursued some quiet activities with the chillun. With a brain still clearing from the not unpleasant drugs, I couldn't really participate in the speed card games we usually like so I taught them patience- appropriate for these holidays. I have learnt to be very patient waiting for all the results of the various testing.
I noticed he has zenned out a few things around the house which makes for pleasant spaces to sit and read (when I can focus again), chat (never a problem) and just doze off.
Some things haven't changed a bit! The joy of all being restored to each other is tangible every minute. The small people in the house show a gentleness and resilience and acceptance I was grateful and moved by. One by one they have asked to 'look' and because my surgeon is a genius, I have showed them in the bathroom whenever they were ready. There have been responses like "Cool!", "Weird" and "You look like me now!" I'm okay with that. I'm Mum and they don't seem to care how I'm arranged. Shorty hasn't even noticed.
Today I got the best news for Easter I could possibly have wished for. The surgery was really just an introduction to a week of cliffhangers. There was a lot more nastiness in the woodshed than we had anticipated. Can you believe NONE of this showed on a mammogram and only one tiny lump appeared on the ultrasound! The breast pathology was plain awful and I was so relieved it was gone. Really! MRI's, CT scans and bone scans later we finally got the all clear on Tuesday with a "wait there's more" to follow when something unusual presented itself on the liver. It must have been those good whiskeys in Scotland in the 90's because my darling doctor rang me this morning to say it was unrelated and safe and I have the all clear.

It's the all clear to start chemo and radiotherapy and I am so happy and relieved. It's funny because losing my hair and being sick never bothered me. It was the possibility of having secondaries that terrified me. It seems odd that a couple of weeks ago I was freaking out about the worst case scenario being a lumpectomy that might alter the shape of my breast! Ha! Now I am delighted at the prospect of chemo. I would start tomorrow if they'd let me! I am a bit sorry to lose my hair to because I just got it the way I liked it when I got it cut the morning of the cancer diagnosis. I think I was trying to tell myself that spending money on a haircut would ensure a positive result at the GP. Murphy's Law usually works that way for me but it did a little back flip that day!
I noticed the Big Fella has pulled out some old photos with me in them.
He has hung them all around the house- mum talismans. She'll be back!
I left a message on the laundry door the morning I left when they were all at school. It seems like it was months ago but it was only days and yet so much has happened. Such enormous changes have befallen our little family in the burbs and yet nothing has changed at all. It is 4.15 a.m. and everyone is asleep but me so it's nice to be able to chat it out to somebody. Hopefully this will get back to being about the normal stuff soon but for, at least a little while, this is our life and it's okay.

Rainbow Connection II

Hi. It's Anna again -

Annie asked me to post this video for her this morning, but we have been out all day, and since so many comments have already been left on her last post, I thought Kermit and Debbie could have one of their own.

Annie tells me she always disliked this song because it was so soppy, but now it is SO relevant and she has changed her mind.

Here's praying that our rainbow connection will carry her safely through tomorrow's MRI and right home to her children in time for Easter.

Rainbow connection

I salute you all, rainbow warriors,tiny and tall, boys and girls, old and young. You have carried me on wings of kindness, love and hope through a maelstrom I could never have imagined. I feel humbled by the pure goodness that exists all over this planet and have felt a great shift as my heart opened to embrace you all. Family, friends, strangers you are the proof that this is truly a wonderful world worth fighting hard to stay in. I have been quiet in my shock and drugs and grief because I just didn't know what to say! You have made me laugh aloud on days when I couldn't speak. There's just one more little hurdle with an MRI on Saturday. Please keep your prayers, chants, light and positive energy flowing because it helps more than you can know. The force is strong in this one! Love to you all, from a small bright room in the Wesley Hospital.

Annie x.