Annie, put the kettle on

5.30 am Boil kettle for tea. Deliver B2 to swimming. We have a nice chat when it is just he and I in the car. There is always a beautiful sunrise. Sometimes it stops me seeing the road as it refracts on the grime of the windscreen. He has forgotten breakfast money. We stop at the petrol station for cash and I get out of the car to remember I am in my jama pants. It takes a lot to embarrass me after being bald and eyebrow-less for six months. Jamas are small potatoes.

6-6.30 am. Make lunches for family. We are all very different aren't we, dears. Lunchboxia-eclectica. B2 is rolling six bread rolls a day usually with salad although he sometimes goes continental and has cheese and jam. No lumps please, Mum. Put Shorty's in the fridge so it stays cold. Boil kettle for tea. Arrange assorted muffins, Tiny Teddies, popcorn, rolls, fruit etc in various plastic boxes.

 6.30 am. Shower, dress, do hair in 30 seconds flat. Loving the whole pixie cut thing if only it had the pixie body to match. That reminds me to take oestrogen suppressing, barge arse promoting tamoxofin.

6.45 am. Walk loudly around house getting people out of bed. Make my cereal and watch my daughter eat it. Boil kettle for tea.

7.00 am. Drive to school to get note for child's excursion out of his desk so he can go today. Get teary at sight of school registrar's grand baby when she arrives to open school. (Secretary, not baby.) Babies still make me cry and get goosebumps. It's a disease, I tell you. Take that, oestrogen suppressor.

7.10-7.20 am. Say good-bye to Big Fella. Find things, feed people and chickens, dress people not chickens, dress salad for lunch. Tell B1 to get dressed. Put salad in fridge. Boil kettle for tea.

7.20 am. Deliver strings children to string place. "See you later, have a good day, don't forget to go to (insert place here) after school, have you got your lunch, love you, bye."

7.30 am. Back home. Tell B1 we are leaving, put Shorty in car. Tell B1 we are leaving. Get Shorty's lunch, check I have everything. Tell B1 we are leaving and to put his pants on. Leave.

7.40 am. Drive into kindergarten car park where tree is being lopped by large lopping truck across thoroughfare. Do a u-turn, drive against the arrow and go to rear car park. Deliver Shorty and note truck is now leaving front car park. Shorty has forgotten her hat and her yoghurt is still in the fridge chilling, unlike me.

7.50 am. Almost on time today. It's a miracle. Ask B1 to please put his shoes and socks on before we leave the house next time as his knee is in the gear stick. Get to school gate. Remember I have left B2's lunch at home. He'll starve after swimming. We pull a u-turn again. B1 is aghast!

8.00am. Should be arriving at work but instead pull into our driveway. No lunchbox in kitchen. Find it in back of the car where I put it twenty minutes ago. I have no recollection of doing so. Must be some dead brain cells in the lunchbox retrieval area of the brain. Drive back to school. Note twitch in left eye. Do arm exercises while driving as I forgot when I got up. Poke B2 in ear while extending forearm.

8.10 am. Start walking to office. Go back to car for laptop. Find I have left my own lunch in the fridge with Shorty's yoghurt. Eat cereal for breakfast at work. Boil kettle for tea.

The day begins...