I have slept a lot and pursued some quiet activities with the chillun. With a brain still clearing from the not unpleasant drugs, I couldn't really participate in the speed card games we usually like so I taught them patience- appropriate for these holidays. I have learnt to be very patient waiting for all the results of the various testing.
I noticed he has zenned out a few things around the house which makes for pleasant spaces to sit and read (when I can focus again), chat (never a problem) and just doze off.
Some things haven't changed a bit! The joy of all being restored to each other is tangible every minute. The small people in the house show a gentleness and resilience and acceptance I was grateful and moved by. One by one they have asked to 'look' and because my surgeon is a genius, I have showed them in the bathroom whenever they were ready. There have been responses like "Cool!", "Weird" and "You look like me now!" I'm okay with that. I'm Mum and they don't seem to care how I'm arranged. Shorty hasn't even noticed.
Today I got the best news for Easter I could possibly have wished for. The surgery was really just an introduction to a week of cliffhangers. There was a lot more nastiness in the woodshed than we had anticipated. Can you believe NONE of this showed on a mammogram and only one tiny lump appeared on the ultrasound! The breast pathology was plain awful and I was so relieved it was gone. Really! MRI's, CT scans and bone scans later we finally got the all clear on Tuesday with a "wait there's more" to follow when something unusual presented itself on the liver. It must have been those good whiskeys in Scotland in the 90's because my darling doctor rang me this morning to say it was unrelated and safe and I have the all clear.
It's the all clear to start chemo and radiotherapy and I am so happy and relieved. It's funny because losing my hair and being sick never bothered me. It was the possibility of having secondaries that terrified me. It seems odd that a couple of weeks ago I was freaking out about the worst case scenario being a lumpectomy that might alter the shape of my breast! Ha! Now I am delighted at the prospect of chemo. I would start tomorrow if they'd let me! I am a bit sorry to lose my hair to because I just got it the way I liked it when I got it cut the morning of the cancer diagnosis. I think I was trying to tell myself that spending money on a haircut would ensure a positive result at the GP. Murphy's Law usually works that way for me but it did a little back flip that day!
I noticed the Big Fella has pulled out some old photos with me in them.
He has hung them all around the house- mum talismans. She'll be back!I left a message on the laundry door the morning I left when they were all at school. It seems like it was months ago but it was only days and yet so much has happened. Such enormous changes have befallen our little family in the burbs and yet nothing has changed at all. It is 4.15 a.m. and everyone is asleep but me so it's nice to be able to chat it out to somebody. Hopefully this will get back to being about the normal stuff soon but for, at least a little while, this is our life and it's okay.
So, so happy to hear from you again! :-) I've been checking in regularly to see if you had posted again. (or Anna at least)
ReplyDeleteKeep breathing! :-)
And in ...and out....
DeleteWelcome home Annie! The tears which are flowing right now having read your recent post are tears of joy for you and yours. My toes still reflect the rainbow and I shall now go and 'top up' the colour to walk beside you as you step around the corner and begin the chemo path. Hope, love, prayers and light are winging their way to you in Aus from me in (not so sunny) England. Stay strong and let the colour flow! Claire x ttp://claireinstitches.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteI stopped crying a few days ago now but was a shocking sook when I arrived at the hospital for days. Now I am Annie in stitches!! Feeling the love!
DeleteGlad to hear you are home again! And that you received some good news this week. Wishing you some more "normal" and relaxing times at home with your family.
ReplyDeleteIt's never been "normal" here but it's starting to get back. I got through a whole day without a nanna nap today!
DeleteOh Annie I am so happy for you!!! I've got a smile so wide my face is about to crack.
ReplyDeletexo
You always have a smile that wide, Deb!!! x
DeleteYour Big Fella is a pretty great guy. The house looks wonderful. And how nice to be home!
ReplyDeleteSending a big hug and welcome home to you. Thank you for the update, I'm always checking in.
Thinking of y'all in the days to come.
Love,
Rachel
He has been a rock and took the boys for a surf today so they could all have a break from me and the big C. It meant I had some time alone which was nice too. It is harder for them in so many ways.
DeleteWho knew the big fella was such a big softie? I love that he zenned the seating areas for your return.
ReplyDeleteI'm relieved that there were no secondaries and that you are back home. There is no place like home. Hugs to you. xx
Who knew the big fella was such a big softie? I love that he zenned the seating areas for your return.
ReplyDeleteI'm relieved that there were no secondaries and that you are back home. There is no place like home. Hugs to you. xx
The man is a pillow and my ruby slippers are at peace!
DeleteYou were right to believe in fairies. :) And they were right to believe in you. Happy Easter, merry Christmas and many many happy birthdays.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you on all of these, Linda!
DeleteOh Annie, I must have been holding my breath reading this beautiful post......because I let out a huge 'Sigh of R-E-L-I-E-F"!!!!! Such great great news!
ReplyDeleteYou need to get breathing with me and Cow Road! In ... and out...
DeleteOh Annie, I can't imagine the week you've experienced ... the waiting for results, the worry about your liver, the fear. So relieved for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd does anyone else think you look like Susan Sarandon in the family photo?
That is an old photo from the school fundraiser photos and Lala was sick and i was sweating it up to get her to smile and look at the camera. Suddenly it seems delightful!
DeleteCan you just stop it with the tear-jerking posts? I'm a complete mess here. I'm so happy and relieved that there are no secondaries. I think everyone was worried for you. And good riddance nasty breasticle.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a wonderful family and husband. But you know that.
Next step chemo. xo
You are such a gingham softie, lovely Carmel and your lasagne dish still awaits the return to school and a long cuppa! Fear not, I have no remorse for the breast that went over to the dark side.
DeleteWelcome home!
ReplyDeleteWhy, Thank you!
DeleteThis is such a wonderful, rainbow-wished filled post. The joy of precious moments and family and just being alive and human and real comes through loud and strong. It's so good to know that there is a family like yours that know what is important in this world.
ReplyDeleteI am smiling down at my rainbow toes and feeling rather humble. One hurdle well and truly over. There will be many of us at your side as you square up to sort the next phase out.
Annie in Spain. xxxx
I didn't know there were Spanish Rainbow Toes. It seems the Rainbow Collective is fortified by the Anne army!
DeleteI shall keep my Spanish Rainbow Toes all summer long. Annies must always stick together; we shall be known by our toes. Axxx
DeleteA huge welcome home from your rugged trip.
ReplyDeleteBig Fella, you're a brick, but soft in the middle.
It has been an unexpected trek where I might have preferred a pleasant stroll but it sure has been colourful! x
DeleteHave been following your posts, Annie & wishing you all good things. Inspired and moved by your strength & humour at what must have been a hellish time. Was camping at the time of the "rainbow toes" so my meagre offerings were brown & broken, manky ,camp ground toe nails- not worthy of the calibre of a beautiful book. The thoughts were there tho'. Great, great news for you all !!!
ReplyDeleteBrown and broken fits right in here, ali. I don't feel strong at all just very normal.
DeleteYippee!! Welcome Home Annie, and with such wonderful news...I'm sure you had a wonderful if not the Best Easter with your Family! BTW - If you really plan on making Jelly Bunnies, add a big spoonful of extra Gelatin to the jelly packet, when they are set dip them in a bowl of hot water for a wee bit, then stick a fork up their bottoms and slowly pull them out! Viola! Jelly on a plate with lots of Wibble Wobble.... Easy Peasy.... Hey, maybe you could make a new Jelly Lefty?
ReplyDeleteYou take care now and rest up!
Karen x
If I can just get brave enough to venture out to the shops and into the public domain I think I could find some drastically reduced bunny moulds at the dollars shop!
DeleteWooooohooooo ... no more nasties found and you're home with the ones you love. Result!!! And yay for the Big Fella, what a star!
ReplyDeleteMy grown-up girls came by this weekend and painted rainbows on their toenails too ... the rainbow army keeps growing ... it will have your back through chemo and will be bigger than the one wishing you well last week, that can only be good!
Gentlest hugs from afar dear Annie x
All rainbow toes are humbly and gratefully appreciated, my dears. xxx How could it be bigger? It is a joy to behold!
DeleteSo happy you're back home again!
ReplyDeleteThanking you, Ms Curly!
DeleteSo glad to hear you're back home, and it sounds like you have the best people to look after you now - your family. The house looks lovely, well done to your man (can he give mine some lessons?).Glad to hear how positive you sound, too. That's the ticket!
ReplyDeleteHe just need to top now and try the breathing thing!
DeleteTears of joy for you and your family. Most excellent news! Enjoy your new 'spaces'. xxx
ReplyDeleteAnother gingham softie like Carmel, I suspect. Thanks Zigsma!
DeleteThe Mum talismans are working. The big man has quite the decorative eye. I like all the spaces - very calming.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're home, and whilst I know the next stage is going to be fairly hideous at times from what I hear, if anyone can rock a turban or head scarf Annie - it's you!! Patience is a good game and virtue. x
Not sure if I'm a scarf girl but I have a funky jester's hat in the dress up box to entertain the kids at school pick up!
DeleteWhat a very great relief for you. Wonderful, wonderful news!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your kids were able to ask, and to see, what happened. (My mom always veiled her mastectomy in a cloud of shame and woe and mystery.)
Re the chemo: not everyone gets sick, and not everyone loses their hair. Maybe you'll get to keep that perfect haircut! I do hope so.
What a lovely husband and family you have.
It was different in our mum's times- a far more diabolical operation and less awareness. Spmebody told me the first day NOT to be ashamed and I"m still grateful she did!
DeleteALL THE BEST AND ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY :)
ReplyDeleteALL THE THANKS IN THE WORLD TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
DeleteAnnie I am so so happy for you. What a great relief. Isn't it amazing how something which seems important (primary cancer) then becomes nothing compared to the fear of the next thing (secondary cancer), you made good choice with surgery of course if you had opted for something less they would have had to go back in again. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteI had something on my liver too!! ha ha - was scared it was secondary liver cancer but no just a harmless cyst.
Don't forget to email me I am thinking of you xoxoxoxo
Maybe they do that to make you feel better about everything and throw you into chemo feeling positive or maybe you had a few good Scottish malts in the 090's too. I have got lots to ask you but am too whacked to think of it all yet. There really were no choices either. I had a great surgeon who made it pretty clear what had to happen. In fact if I had more time to consider I wish I could have done both now. Is that odd? It would just feel safer.
DeleteWonderful news that you are home with your family, Annie. What a gorgeous little reading nook. Thinking of you as you begin the next bit.
ReplyDeleteI am actually reading a book now so the drugs must be lifting a bit. I had a lovely cuppa with Lairy there today too.
DeleteHome is such a good place to be isn't it. Especially after spending time in such a clinical environment. You start to feel better as soon as you walk in the door. Looks like you've got some pretty wondeful people looking after you. Take lots of care.
ReplyDeleteHome is very cosy right now and it's almost too hard to go out still. Tomorrow we go back to the doctor so I'll have to woman up!
DeleteSO many happy tears flowing now for you! I didn't realise I've been holding my breath until I read this post. Thank you so much for taking us, especially me, on this journey with you, you will be one of those women I'll be to sure to think about when I think things are going tough for me. What a lovely man you have, too!
ReplyDeleteAnother softie here! We all have our moments. bec!
DeleteFantastic, fantastic. I have just walked in from work and asked the kids to wait because I just have to check on something. I have been carrying my phone in my pocket at work all day in hope of the good news( which for me is quite unusual as I don't usually know where my mobile is).
ReplyDeleteI love the new seating arrangements in my favourite corner of the house although the front looks like new competition. Nice to see your tiger didn't change his stripes and kept himself busy with the house.Can't wait till you're feeling better and able to twig it with your beloved paint. I hear all the colours of the rainbow are quite the fashion.
It goes without saying that you have been in my thoughts every moment. You know where I am any moment any how any need, particularly if transportation is required to an op shop, art gallery or botanical garden (all the important things), anything.
XO
A wander in our gardens might be just the thing in a few weeks! I know you're there, darlin'. xx
DeleteI am so glad it's good news (finally) and it's SO GOOD to have you back here! Much love dear friend.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to be here in every way! About time with the good news, huh! It goes both ways...
DeleteSo so pleased for you Annie that you made it home for Easter with your family and that all the scans were clear. now you can breathe out. Soak up that supremely tidy house while it lasts all of about a nanosecond and let all that colour and love fill you up. I think you need to ferret out a new crochet project to keep you motivated during chemo. melx
ReplyDeleteI'm still on the rainbow blanket! It's grown quite a bit and is turning into a bedspread now!
DeleteI feel a rainbow painted outside may be appropriate...?? Glad to hear you are home with your chilluns and husband....x
ReplyDeleteI already have plans or chairs outside but don't want to frighten the Bg Fella!
DeleteThis post more than ever brought the tears to my eyes. So good that you are home with your chilluns. Happy Easter and (gentle) hugs. xx
ReplyDeleteWelcome home, so happy to hear you are back with your family.
ReplyDeleteThe new outdoor area looks so peaceful and relaxing......Yaaaay for sunny Queensland where we can enjoy this for about 9 months of the year, apparently looking at greenery does something nice in your brain, I think you should do some trials and research out there :)
Wonderful wonderful news! Funny how the goalposts shift - I'm so pleased for you. And how wonderful for you to be at home among your sweet family family and familiar surroundings. And as for that amazing Big Fella of yours - what a guy! Sending you lots of love and hugs, Annie x
ReplyDeleteJust back from Savaii and Whoo Hoo Annie! I knew in my heart that the tests would be okay and so in my internet-less days, I just looked at my toes and smiled and thought how the news would be good when I got home. I took my toes to mass on Easter Sunday and said a little prayer amongst the Angelic singing of the choir behind me. For a girl who only goes to mass on big days, I have a bit of pull, I think it might have been all my years of teaching in the Catholic school. Well done Annie and to the big fella, nice job on all fronts.
ReplyDeleteHi Annie. I wish to send you warm thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I can recommend the Cancer Council organisation in your state which should also have a Helpline which you can ring. They are usually trained oncology nurses and counsellors and are able to answer your questions and worries if needed. They will talk to any member of your family and I think are useful to keep in mind. The Cancer Council also have fantastic brochures that you might find helpful. They may be able to provide you with a soft lambswool prosthesis that you can use whilst having treatment. I hope this is helpful. Another workshop that is great is the Look Good Feel Better Workshops. Information for these should be able to get from your Hospital. X
ReplyDeleteAnnie you amazing, wonderful woman! All the love u continue to pour out is very humbling. So happy u r back home on the range. I bet your cheeks are as smooth as a baby's bottom with all the little people kisses you're getting. I'll drop over one day soon and add my kisses too.xxxxxxxxxxxxx.Sherrie
ReplyDeleteHi again Annie, If you want a good chuckle check out the "Yarn Harlot" blog, Knitting, family and living in an old house.....warning, don't drink while you read, keyboards don't like coffee spray !
ReplyDeleteAnnie, what an amazing person you are! You write beautifully, and you have such a loving outlook. I know you are going to have a good outcome, because you won't have it any other way! I wish you every happiness!
ReplyDeleteHey Annie, it's wonderful to read all the comments and 'feel' the love and support flooding in for you and your family.....
ReplyDeleteWishing you a speedy recovery from the surgery and that very soon the biggest problem will be nothing more than 'who's turn is it to do the dishes?'
Claire X
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