Yesterday I came home! It had been ten sleeps since I left the house intact (me and the house) and a few things have changed. The Big Fella likes to tidy and move things around when he feels the need. He has felt it quite a bit over the last week. So I came home to find this lovely new area out the front under his almost finished deck. We had a delicious baked lamb there for Easter lunch to welcome home the prodigal Mum! Of course when I feel better there will be tweeking and there will be paint!I have slept a lot and pursued some quiet activities with the chillun. With a brain still clearing from the not unpleasant drugs, I couldn't really participate in the speed card games we usually like so I taught them patience- appropriate for these holidays. I have learnt to be very patient waiting for all the results of the various testing.
I noticed he has zenned out a few things around the house which makes for pleasant spaces to sit and read (when I can focus again), chat (never a problem) and just doze off.
Some things haven't changed a bit! The joy of all being restored to each other is tangible every minute. The small people in the house show a gentleness and resilience and acceptance I was grateful and moved by. One by one they have asked to 'look' and because my surgeon is a genius, I have showed them in the bathroom whenever they were ready. There have been responses like "Cool!", "Weird" and "You look like me now!" I'm okay with that. I'm Mum and they don't seem to care how I'm arranged. Shorty hasn't even noticed.
Today I got the best news for Easter I could possibly have wished for. The surgery was really just an introduction to a week of cliffhangers. There was a lot more nastiness in the woodshed than we had anticipated. Can you believe NONE of this showed on a mammogram and only one tiny lump appeared on the ultrasound! The breast pathology was plain awful and I was so relieved it was gone. Really! MRI's, CT scans and bone scans later we finally got the all clear on Tuesday with a "wait there's more" to follow when something unusual presented itself on the liver. It must have been those good whiskeys in Scotland in the 90's because my darling doctor rang me this morning to say it was unrelated and safe and I have the all clear.
It's the all clear to start chemo and radiotherapy and I am so happy and relieved. It's funny because losing my hair and being sick never bothered me. It was the possibility of having secondaries that terrified me. It seems odd that a couple of weeks ago I was freaking out about the worst case scenario being a lumpectomy that might alter the shape of my breast! Ha! Now I am delighted at the prospect of chemo. I would start tomorrow if they'd let me! I am a bit sorry to lose my hair to because I just got it the way I liked it when I got it cut the morning of the cancer diagnosis. I think I was trying to tell myself that spending money on a haircut would ensure a positive result at the GP. Murphy's Law usually works that way for me but it did a little back flip that day!
I noticed the Big Fella has pulled out some old photos with me in them.
He has hung them all around the house- mum talismans. She'll be back!
I left a message on the laundry door the morning I left when they were all at school. It seems like it was months ago but it was only days and yet so much has happened. Such enormous changes have befallen our little family in the burbs and yet nothing has changed at all. It is 4.15 a.m. and everyone is asleep but me so it's nice to be able to chat it out to somebody. Hopefully this will get back to being about the normal stuff soon but for, at least a little while, this is our life and it's okay.